Friday, September 15, 2006
911 Things Wrong About The Path to 9/11
You've no doubt heard about the controversy surrounding ABC's recent docudrama The Path to 9/11. Various Clinton-era officials, including the former President himself, have spoken out against the film's lies and misrepresentations. The filmmakers say they've taken some dramatic license but have presented everything in an unbiased and historically accurate manner. Coke Bref and I decided to watch The Path to 9/11 and make notes of any inaccuracies; what we found might shock and alarm you. Below are just a few of the many errors found in the film.
1. The 9/11 attacks occurred on Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, and not, as the film declares, on October 12, 1492.
2. Condi Rice had a lot to do on 9/11, she cooked dinner, set the table, and served standing rib roast to the cabinet as they went forth with serious decisions.
3. Former Counterterrorism "Czar" Richard C. Clarke was not too busy burning the black churches in 1996 to coordinate an effective response to the Khobar Towers bombing. He did in fact burn the black churches, but it didn't interfere with his day job.
4. Despite how the movie depicted her - Madeline Albright was having sex when the planes hit the towers, not lollygaggin’.
5. Osama Bin Laden isn't number one on Michael Moore's speed-dial. He's number four, behind Domino's, Pizza Hut, and Steak Out.
6. Contrary to the film's assertion, Bill Clinton did not ride one of the airplanes like a bucking bronco as it flew into the World Trade towers.
7. Vice President Dick Cheney didn't personally rescue 23 puppies and Corky from "Life Goes On" from the flaming rubble on 9/11. Cheney was actually nowhere near New York, as he was ensconced safely within the top secret Project for a New American Century compound located on the Blue Area of the Moon, from where he orchestrated the attacks according to the PNAC's diabolical master plan.
8. Another aspect that the movie failed to report, and by failed - we mean didn't even acknowledge like a asshole - was the fact that there was a fifth plane which was incinerated by the USA's UFO prototype. The degeneration was a complete success and the crew of the New UFO celebrated with double whoppers in the hot tub of the sports fitness club in their local town. The families of the crew and passengers of the plane were given a compensation of double whoppers as well and a song written by Rockstar Supernova.
9. President Bush doesn't own blue tights or a red cape. He might be able to fly, though.
10. Saddam Hussein called Tony Blair and Colin Powell on the eve of the attacks asking them for clearance to make a T-Rex slide in the back of one of his palaces. "The slide will be made of party time fun cakes and lead from my bedroom down to my Sillyville Barnyard" he affirmed. ***The movie conveniently omitted this powerful declaration from the leader.
11. The US military invasion of Afghanistan was not carried out solely by a crack squad consisting of John Rambo, Sgt. Slaughter, BA Baracus, Lee Marvin, and William "the Refrigerator" Perry.
12. There is no evidence that Bin Laden has horns under his turban, or a "I Love Slick Willy" tattoo on his left butt-cheek.
13. When the World Trade towers were bombed in 1993, the dude driving the van into the parking deck was wearing a jean jacket and eating a hoagie, not wearing a beige jacket and eating Dunkin Donuts as the pretend movie showed.
14. In one scene top American special op Rock Savage is shown holding Osama bin Laden aloft by the turban while waiting for approval to punch Al Qaeda's leader in the nose. The film asserts that this approval was never granted, due to Bill Clinton receiving a blow-job in the Oval Office at this exact moment (the recreation of which is The Path to 9/11's single longest scene, and ends with Lewinski snowballing the Presidential seed into Al Gore’s mouth). In actuality, Bill Clinton was not receiving a blow-job at this time, but had already segued into the piledriver position, and couldn't reach the phone on his desk. Thus, per army protocol, Lt. Savage had to put Bin Laden safely back down on the ground and help clean up the tunic he had so rudely sullied.
You've no doubt heard about the controversy surrounding ABC's recent docudrama The Path to 9/11. Various Clinton-era officials, including the former President himself, have spoken out against the film's lies and misrepresentations. The filmmakers say they've taken some dramatic license but have presented everything in an unbiased and historically accurate manner. Coke Bref and I decided to watch The Path to 9/11 and make notes of any inaccuracies; what we found might shock and alarm you. Below are just a few of the many errors found in the film.
1. The 9/11 attacks occurred on Tuesday, September 11th, 2001, and not, as the film declares, on October 12, 1492.
2. Condi Rice had a lot to do on 9/11, she cooked dinner, set the table, and served standing rib roast to the cabinet as they went forth with serious decisions.
3. Former Counterterrorism "Czar" Richard C. Clarke was not too busy burning the black churches in 1996 to coordinate an effective response to the Khobar Towers bombing. He did in fact burn the black churches, but it didn't interfere with his day job.
4. Despite how the movie depicted her - Madeline Albright was having sex when the planes hit the towers, not lollygaggin’.
5. Osama Bin Laden isn't number one on Michael Moore's speed-dial. He's number four, behind Domino's, Pizza Hut, and Steak Out.
6. Contrary to the film's assertion, Bill Clinton did not ride one of the airplanes like a bucking bronco as it flew into the World Trade towers.
7. Vice President Dick Cheney didn't personally rescue 23 puppies and Corky from "Life Goes On" from the flaming rubble on 9/11. Cheney was actually nowhere near New York, as he was ensconced safely within the top secret Project for a New American Century compound located on the Blue Area of the Moon, from where he orchestrated the attacks according to the PNAC's diabolical master plan.
8. Another aspect that the movie failed to report, and by failed - we mean didn't even acknowledge like a asshole - was the fact that there was a fifth plane which was incinerated by the USA's UFO prototype. The degeneration was a complete success and the crew of the New UFO celebrated with double whoppers in the hot tub of the sports fitness club in their local town. The families of the crew and passengers of the plane were given a compensation of double whoppers as well and a song written by Rockstar Supernova.
9. President Bush doesn't own blue tights or a red cape. He might be able to fly, though.
10. Saddam Hussein called Tony Blair and Colin Powell on the eve of the attacks asking them for clearance to make a T-Rex slide in the back of one of his palaces. "The slide will be made of party time fun cakes and lead from my bedroom down to my Sillyville Barnyard" he affirmed. ***The movie conveniently omitted this powerful declaration from the leader.
11. The US military invasion of Afghanistan was not carried out solely by a crack squad consisting of John Rambo, Sgt. Slaughter, BA Baracus, Lee Marvin, and William "the Refrigerator" Perry.
12. There is no evidence that Bin Laden has horns under his turban, or a "I Love Slick Willy" tattoo on his left butt-cheek.
13. When the World Trade towers were bombed in 1993, the dude driving the van into the parking deck was wearing a jean jacket and eating a hoagie, not wearing a beige jacket and eating Dunkin Donuts as the pretend movie showed.
14. In one scene top American special op Rock Savage is shown holding Osama bin Laden aloft by the turban while waiting for approval to punch Al Qaeda's leader in the nose. The film asserts that this approval was never granted, due to Bill Clinton receiving a blow-job in the Oval Office at this exact moment (the recreation of which is The Path to 9/11's single longest scene, and ends with Lewinski snowballing the Presidential seed into Al Gore’s mouth). In actuality, Bill Clinton was not receiving a blow-job at this time, but had already segued into the piledriver position, and couldn't reach the phone on his desk. Thus, per army protocol, Lt. Savage had to put Bin Laden safely back down on the ground and help clean up the tunic he had so rudely sullied.
