Today I am thinking about the concert that sold out beneath my feet yesterday. Imagine this: The Zombies and Love. A real Western Shizzler.
Record Reviews Written in Less Than a Half-Hour, While Incredibly Drunk
Installment one, of a series.
At least two glaring textual errors are not mine...
content-free movie reviews (with special bonus content-free tv reviews)
13 Going on 30: okay
Mayor of the Sunset Strip: real damn good
Mr. 3000: alright
Napoleon Dynamite: not that great
Kill Bill Vol. 2: excellent
Jersey Girl: perfectly acceptable
In America: also excellent
Jack and Bobby: kinda dull
Lost: real interesting but some dangerous levels of cheese
The Benefactor: tv's greatest ever portrayal of shallow arrogant assholism
i've spent way too much time on this...
Much of my distaste for Shrek and Pepsi ads stems from the fact that, as Hillary notes in the comments below, they are, in a sense, each pretenders to a crown. That wasn’t the thrust of my argument, though. What bugs me about both is the way in which they choose to engage their superior and more entrenched counterparts. It’s reminiscent of the attitude Fox News has towards the networks and CNN, that petty and amateurish braggadocio that I presume is supposed to be “edgy” and “attitudinous” but instead comes off as desperate or assholish.
The mocking of the Magic Kingdom and Disney-style fairy tales in Shrek isn’t as bad as Pepsi’s utter inability to not mention Coke in any of their commercials, but both are little more than overblown cases of sour grapes. Pepsi is demonstrably worse about this, of course. They reach new heights of disingenuousness with that recent ad for Pepsi Edge, where the obsessive Coca-Cola memorabilia collector trades in all his junk for Pepsi merchandise after tasting their knock-off of C2. The voice-over mentions that Edge has half the sugar and calories of Coke as if it’s the most amazing development since the Gold Dust Trio started fixing wrestling back in the 1910’s. Of course they never mention that Coke had the exact same product on the market months earlier. Almost every commercial Pepsi has ever made explicitly references Coca-Cola, and every time in supposedly humorous manners that are always objectively not funny. Pepsi’s ads make them look desperate and pathetic. Shrek’s Disney jokes aren’t nearly as annoying or self-damaging as Pepsi’s commercials, but in attempting to make fun of it’s competitor Shrek succeeds more in reminding the viewer how superior Disney / Pixar movies are to itself.
But what pisses me off the most is that both are entirely too smug and self-satisfied with their own fallaciously assumed hipness. There’s nothing hip about a god-damned soda, ever, and Pepsi’s eternal attempts to saddle itself up on top of that youth market stallion reveal how desperately square they really are. And just because Shrek’s soundtrack eschews Peabo Bryson and Elton John for the Smashmouths of the world does not in any way make them any cooler or more relevant than Pixar or even traditional Disney movies. Ditto with Shrek’s facile, annoying irony and post-modernist flourishes. It boils down to the fact that, unless you’re the Fonz, saying you’re cool does not make you cool. Furthermore, adopting the easy hallmarks of shallow, meaningless psuedo-post-Generation X culture in order to pander to college kids and dumb-ass twentysomethings has very little place in family films.
There’s no denying that Coke kicks Pepsi’s ass in every possible way, and likewise with Disney/Pixar and Dreamworks/Shrek. Every notable and successful upgrade to the basic soda format has come from Coke; diet soda, prepackaged flavored sodas with cherry, vanilla, and lemon, and the new lower-sugar, lower-carb, non-diet soda all were first brewed up down in Atlanta. Pepsi’s only attempt at a new soda paradigm was the inimitable Crystal Pepsi, which was about as successful as clear gravy. Pepsi is constantly playing catch-up with the original, and their pathetic advertisements only put an emphasis upon their vainglorious quest.
Finally, Shrek’s shortfalls become blatantly obvious when compared with Finding Nemo, A Bug’s Life, or either Toy Story. I feel like I’ve been a bit too harsh on Shrek, as I didn’t really hate it. Much of it is funny. The humor, however, can’t mask the movie’s emotional deficiencies. The Pixar films have more resonance, more sweetness, more heart; they are family films that can be enjoyed by all and that don’t pander or condescend to any age group. They also don’t let the celebrity voice overwhelm the character. The worst aspect of Shrek is Mike Myers. Myers, the laziest man in Hollywood, hasn’t made a consistently humorous film since maybe Wayne’s World. Wayne’s World 2, So I Married an Axe Murderer, and the first Austin Powers were all okay, but every Mike Myers movie since then has been god-awful (except Shrek). And although Shrek isn’t terrible, Myers performance is. When I watched Shrek I wasn’t hearing a character, I was hearing Myers recycle his old Scotsman accent. Eddie Murphy was good, but he was basically playing his dragon character from Disney’s great Mulan. And although there have been a few shit-fart-piss jokes in Pixar movies (I think – the only one I can remember is clever enough to not count – when the spider in A Bug’s Life is frightened and lets loose a sudden swift stream of webbing), Shrek can’t wait to start rolling around in the unfunny scatalogical muck.
Anyway, I lost my train of thought about three paragraphs ago, so this probably doesn’t make any damned sense. I’m probably completely wrong here, anyway.
Cobb County's own Ray "Big Bossman" Traylor apparently died last night, according to this report
over at Dave Meltzer's website. Maybe he wasn't the best wrestler around, but as far as wrestlers from Cobb County go, he definitely beat the shit out of Marcus "Buff" Bagwell. And whoever cared about the Armstrongs? But this is some sad news, here; I'm hoping it was natural and not drug related, like 110% of wrestling deaths are.
A Ringing Endorsement by Me, Chris Rogers
Ok, the new cd by Athens' own Drive-By Truckers (The Dirty South) kicks major ass. Seriously. It's one of the best straight-ahead rock records I've heard in quite a while. I'd put it in the same ballpark as The Boss' Nebraska and The River, only with more venom
There's a song about a woman whose husband gets sucked out their living room window by a tornado. TWO
songs about Buford Pusser and Walking Tall, from the point of view of an outlaw. And that's a word they throw around quite a bit, outlaw. Which I like. There's also some talk of rot-gut-moonshine and a comment that some "politicians (are) sucking left-hind-tit." I like this record, though it's not completely flawles. One song does remind be of Bon Jovi's Dead or Alive. Which may or may not be a flaw, depending on personal taste.
desperate and cynical
This morning I realized that I dislike Shrek for many of the same reasons that I dislike Pepsi ads. While showering and ironing I constructed a lengthy, reasoned, well worded treatise within my mind on the myriad of reasons that I dislike Shrek and Pepsi ads. Somewhere between my living room and my cubicle, however, every single last word disappeared, save one (or maybe two): Smashmouth. But this is the least important and irksome of all the great number of things that bother me about both Shrek and Pepsi ads. I can tell you why Shrek pisses me off, and I can go on for years about why Pepsi ads completely suck in every possible way, but the common thread that connects the two has escaped me for now. Maybe I can finish the drill later on today at some point. For the good of humanity, let's hope so.
it just makes sense
I feel my long-predicted-but-as-yet-unrealized sudden obsession with the Mekons coming on...
Where The Red Lady Live At?
The puddle of sweat collecting at my feet grows larger by the second. At this point nerves are shot. Gone I tell you. The shakes have taken over as my mind races. The one in the center or the one on the left? Dudes, I may really be fucked this time.
"Negro, lay it down. You ain't picking until you lay down the cash."
Confusion. You see, I'm white and while the South Florida sun has blessed my skin with an unseasonal bronzing, I'm still as blanco
as they come. I have no idea why this flim flam man would want call me that.
"It's easy my brother, just put the 400 dollars in my hand and tell me where the red lady live at."
A shrill voice, belonging to the thick young lady standing by my side calls out, "the one on the left! It's the one on the left! I was watchin'! I was watchin' good!"
"The Left", I nervously say, while white-knuckling my wad of cash.
"Lay down the money," orders the flim flam man.
"The one on the left"
"Look, I ain't turning nothing over til your
money's on this
Going against everything I've ever known, I put my cash on the curb. "The one on the left."
The flim flam man reaches toward a row of three playing cards, each with a lengthwise crease, laying facedown on the sidewalk. He quickly flips over the one on the left. It's a 2 of clubs. My heart sinks, and I turn to walk away.
"Hold on a second negro. You want to check out the other two? Make sure I ain't fucking with ya?"
He flips the other two cards. The queen of hearts was in the middle.
"Pssssshht. I told you to pick the one in the middle, mother fucker," my thick friend cries.
Dejected and much poorer, I sulk away, passing the flim flam man's burly enforcer friend.
"Now that's what I call an easy 400 dollars. Easy as mutha fuckin' apple pie."
Three Card Monte is not for the thin skinned or the thin walleted.
Last 5 Records Pur-chaysed
1) Johnny Cash - Unearthed Box Set (used, cheap!)
2) The Fucking Am - Gold
3) Comets on Fire - Bong Voyage
4) New Riders Of The Purple Sage - Live In North Hampton, MA 4/4/72
5) I Am The World Trade Center - The Cover Up (on White Vinyl)
i've selected my benefits
This fucking nose of mine is oozing all over the damn place. Over the last few days I’ve generated more mucus without feeling sick than at any other point in my life. It’s been a steady sequence of seriously precious moments up here, as my nose does its damnedest to piss me off.
Nothing much in particular is up. My future missus was upset to hear that the New Kids gave VH1 the cold shoulder. They were the first (and remain the greatest) love of her life, and their potential reunion almost had her ready to order cable. As it stands, I’ll have to hit the bars to see the Braves lose in the Divisional Series this year.
There’s some place out in Chinatown that’s hosting a good show tonight. No Doctors
, Air Conditioning
, Eloe Omoe
, and some of the Twisted Village
folks are gonna be there. Having never been to Chinatown after hours, though, I have no idea if I’ll make the trek. I’ve heard told that a certain level of unseemliness is expected when in the environs of the wily and cruel Chinese, and I am not well versed in self-preservation. And I only let American blades puncture this skin.
Oh hell, as I type this, a co-worker of mine is relating her experiences backstage at the Ozzfest show in Tampa this week. Apparently she knows Slayer? She’s saying they asked her to fly down and see them play. Maybe she’s talking about somebody else, but the only names I’ve heard her say are Slayer and Ozzy. So she met Ozzy, who gave her a dress shirt with skulls on the shoulders, or something. She’s one of those life-long rocker chicks whose age is completely impossible to determine. She could be sixty or thirty or anywhere in between. She looks exactly my mental picture of Kaedy Kiley, but less feminine. She’s like a leather sack that always smells like smoke and wears Iron Maiden shirts to work. She’s simultaneously amazing and hideous, and is the person I most admire in this world. Other than Shaq.
But so, before this random dribble took over, I had meant to post a link to a good Comets on Fire review from DOA
. I don't know the guy who wrote this (I don’t know anyone over there), but it’s some good work. This guy’s written about some good music, though, so he seems pretty alright. Yes sir.
A Truly Terrible Song
Asia Minor - Guided By Voices
This one definitely has to be played by Hot Freaks - Dark and Ice's "Bad Songs By GBV Cover Band". For some reason all I can think about when I hear this song is....Did Crews Write This?
A Truly Great Song 2
Portland Oregon - Loretta Lynn / Jack White
Ok I just made a huge damn post about this thing and Blogger.com freaked out on me and wouldnt let me save it.
Anyway, I'm not going to attempt it again. Its a great damn song. One of the best I've heard this year.
Better late than never, I always say....
So Dark made a Mes Eclipse mix about 2 months ago and I am just now getting to the freakin review. My bad dark. I appreciate your dedication and hard work, but you see this cd was harder to review than most. The reason being, there was no sort of description whatsoever on the CD itself. No title, no label, no song list. I was pretty excited by this and I think I understood Dark's reasoning behind not informing us on anything. No preconceived notions.
Which seems to be a underlying theme of this blog.
So don't have any:
1) The Mae Shi - "You Can't Do That To An Axe" - Brilliant way to start the cd. It sets the tone, which will shred your ears if you have it up too loud. "STOP....LISTEN" -the song starts off with a warbly pre-pubescent scream and tears ass from there on. Disjointed guitars, brash bass and no real comparison to other types of music. The Mae Shi thrashes its way into your head and stays there. You will think of this song a hundred times that day after you hear it. Very slippery, very sweaty and a massive amount of smart and uncaring rock.
2) Blue Oyster Cult - "Hot Rails To Hell" - Classic early BOC song. Hadn't heard it before this cd, but Dark had always told me how much I would like early BOC stuff. I am a big fan of them and how cheeseball they are, but this song has only a little bit of that. They groove in on this track which is cool. A late 70's punky main riff sets it off and keeps the rhythm going. This song gives you a sneak peak at their massive riffs down the road. You can pretty much never go wrong with a single BOC song! Best band from the 70's?
3) Need New Body - "Titty Pop" - From everything I have heard (a few songs) and read about this band, it seems as if this might be one of their tamer songs. These guys are know for their free noise element and deliver with this song. The organ that the song is bassed around has an incredible slow vibrato sound and pulses its way throughout the entirety. Brief freak outs accompany the minimal instruments, but leave you with a sense of wanting more. The end is really neat - all the members start chanting nonsensical phrases and words that don't exist.
4) The Fall - "Ludd Gang" - I love this song-ah. The Fall is of course a very hard band to invest in-ah. I tried and got swamped early on (after their 80th + release) so I only picked up the highlights, which I know is the puss way out-ah. Dark on the other hand, has held fast-ah. He owns more Fall records than anyone I know, including the guy who introduced me to the Fall back in High School-ah. Anyways this song dark tells me is from the early 80's era when they still had the all-star lineup-ah. The rhythm of this track is what gets you-ah. The snare pops in almost a drumline fashion and the bass (what most fall songs are famous for) hammers away with neat intricacies-ah. Mark E. Smith's British scowl is like none you will ever hear and hypnotizes you into loving this band-ah. Good choice and it keeps the up tempo theme going-ah.
5) Deep Purple - "Space Truckin (Live)" - This is the best song on the mix. Fuckin' 24 minute version of their seminal beast of a song. Probably the greatest lyrics for a song of all time - "We had a lot of luck on Venus / We always had a ball on mars / Meeting all the groovy people /We've rocked the milky way so far" and "The fireball that we rode was moving / But now we've got a new machine / Yeah yeah yeah yeah the freak said / Man those cats can really swing". Fuckin awesome. I live for bands who can change and adapt their songs live so each time its different and more mind blowing, Deep Purple does that shit. They whip the crowd into a frenzy and never let go. If I would have seen this live, I probably would have "blowed my bone" - in space of course.
6) Comets On Fire - "ESP" - Currently one of my top bands putting out music. Imagine the most bad ass cosmic bass riff with about 400 more guitars and drums thrown on top - then throw it through a deep space echo and a Big Muff. Now you catchin' the wave. There is so much going on in every Comets song that it blows my mind ever time. I'll be damned if I can understand a single lyric, but I know they are singing about the most awesome topics. These guys probably would have toured with Deep Purple back in the day and slayed them off the stage each night. Total chaos, but in the most focused way imaginable. The ending pounds you into oblivion. Counting the days until I can see them live.
7) The Bruces - "I Wish I Were A Mole In the Ground" - Very pretty song. Sounds like it was a traditional folk song that this guy may have redone. If not, he is a great songwriter. Dark decided to bring the listener back down to earth with this one. He had to get the hippies outta the stratosphere. I also wonder if this song blead in from another one because there is a huge noisy swell that starts with the first lick of the acousic. Very Flying Saucer Attack if not. Phil Spector wall of sound beginning.
8) The Sightings - "Infinity Of Stops" - Right back to the insanity. These guys are a better and cooler version of Ministry. Plus they don't have the major label worries to deal with. Meaning = they can fuck with your mind as much as they want. This is abusive music that will rape your brain. Really good, but I imagine its hard to get all the way through one of their full lengths.
9) Brazil & The Gallo Brothers - "Song For the Roof" - I think dark said these guys were from the land of Poland. This is a very interesting song. Soundscape-ish. I wonder if on a track of this song they took a recorder and sit it out in nature. Their also is an acoustic guitar that I believe tunes up in the first half of the song, then gets around to playing it. Pretty great, I would like to hear more by them.
10) Hunches - "Lisa Told Me" - From a late 70's Punk Mojo comp. This was a lost gem apparently. This has all the formulas of being a huge fucking early punk hit. Great hooks, great singing, a melodic bass line that seems like you've heard before and that is different from the guitar. Kinda sounds like Lou Reed singing. Good backbeat and really cool chord progression. These guys should have been huge.
11) Mclusky - "Day of the Deadringers" - I didn't like this song very much, at all. They did have one good lyric - "If it weren't for the decepticons, they'd rule our fucking world!" Seemed like a bad Pixies rip with the huge bass sound and teensy distorted guitar lick. Even the yelling the singer does sounds like "Debaser". He is overly animated and comes off sounding chessy as fuck. Really hated this song.
12) ELO - "Sweet Is the Night" - How can you go wrong? I really think it is impossible not to love ELO. Seriously. Tell me one person that doesn't like them, and I will show you a music cripple. Their songs come off sounding so simple, but in reality they are truly complex as hell. The instrumentation is immaculate and so warm sounding. This mid-tempo waltz will have you dreaming of dreams in the sky before long and you are gone man, gone to the temple of awesome sound.
13) The Unicorns - "Les Os" - The new hot shit band from 3-4 months ago. A lot of people are into this band and this song showed me why. Great 4 track sound gives this song a feel like they recorded it in one night. Insanely quick pace and killer keyboard sound. Not insanely crazy about the singer's voice but he "get's her done" and gets a sound that goes from fun and bouncy pop to quick REM 80's to the feel good song of late last year. Did anyone else catch the wimpiest METAL RIFF in this song? Probably meant to do it that way, which makes it that much better. One awesome lyric, but maybe I heard it wrong: "I want to die today / Make love with you Mark HARMON!" Double Dare LOVERS!
14) Six Organs of Admittance - "Only The Sun Knows" - I was really excited when Dark put this band on the cd, because I have wanted to hear them for so long. Drag City brags and brags about them and finally I get to hear the hype. Let me tell you, they live up to the shit. Three mountain people to change the world. This song has a roots feel to it that makes you think this group came up with this jam sitting on the edge of a cliff or something. Very nature jammy feel. They get the groove going and keep it solid, trudging along very concerned about flow. No electric instruments that I can tell...until DOOM comes down from the mountain in the form of monster feedback and rips your face off. It actually works its way into the song nicely - non abrasively at about 7 minutes in. Then the instruments eventually fade out and - feedback col' rockin for about 4 minutes...then the song comes back in for a little bit. Amazing musicians. I really hope this is what all their stuff sounds like.
So there you have it...fine job Mr. Darkness. Grade A. You got me fired up to the point of explosion, then calmed it down, then got me right back in the game with a killer buzz from the kind tunes.
What does a whale's asshole smell like?
Probably exactly like what my office smells like right now!
Yup, another "classic" about my bitchass coworker.
So she is hungover as fuck today because she drank like 3 bottles of wine last night (alone and 35). Probably while sniffing her dogs' collective asses and listening to Dave FM (her uh-huh new favorite thing!). So this morning she just had to take a break because she wasnt feeling well, so she waits until my boss leaves for a meeting then leaves the office to go get breakfast...fucking crazy! She comes back and is all "I mean ya know, I needed some grease".
So she then cruises the internet for a few hours. Probably looking for a boyfriend.
Then she leaves for lunch - she tells me how one day I will learn what its like to drink that much on a Tuesday night. I told her she might one day learn what its like to kick it with Shaq, but probably not.
I leave for lunch and come back to the smell of Whale ASSHOLE! She brought back Thai food to the office and it fucking stunk up the whold damn building. As I was walking down the hall, I could smell that shit and immediately I thought to myself..."I hope that is the smell of her vomiting on herself!" Too bad, that would have been a good sight, and probably gotten her fired.
So if you are interested in smelling the inside of a whale, come on over!
-she is also pissed b/c my boss announced that he wasnt going to go to Amelia Island tomorrow due to the Hurricane. I mean she must be pissed, because now she cant leave early tomorrow and take Friday off without anyone knowing. Ho.