Tuesday, July 06, 2004
Hair Police
The worst hair in Boston resides in a duplex on Allston Street. Every time I drive by this house I see a man with the ugliest white-guy dreadlocks standing around outside. This dude’s almost always shirtless or in a sleeveless tee, showing off some hideous tattoo around his upper left arm. He looks like Lucas “Big Gray” Jensen, but surlier, and with Bo Derek cornrows. White dreadlocks are almost always a bad idea, of course, but this guy takes them into an entirely new realm of terror. They’re the skinniest, least substantial, most pathetic dreadlocks I’ve ever seen. The guy might be alright – he’s always gardening, it seems, which is pretty cool (as long as it’s not grass) – but as long as he’s got that pile of spaghetti on his head I don’t think I could ever relate to him as a normal human being. It’s like when you meet a blind person or a midget, and you feel immense pressure to not talk about the only thing you can think of and the only thing you want to talk about; if I ever met this dude, all I would want to talk about is his hair, and why it is so disgusting, and how it looks like he’s wearing a halo of used condoms, and if that's the image he wants to send to the world around him. I don’t think I could ever go camping with him.
The worst hair in Boston resides in a duplex on Allston Street. Every time I drive by this house I see a man with the ugliest white-guy dreadlocks standing around outside. This dude’s almost always shirtless or in a sleeveless tee, showing off some hideous tattoo around his upper left arm. He looks like Lucas “Big Gray” Jensen, but surlier, and with Bo Derek cornrows. White dreadlocks are almost always a bad idea, of course, but this guy takes them into an entirely new realm of terror. They’re the skinniest, least substantial, most pathetic dreadlocks I’ve ever seen. The guy might be alright – he’s always gardening, it seems, which is pretty cool (as long as it’s not grass) – but as long as he’s got that pile of spaghetti on his head I don’t think I could ever relate to him as a normal human being. It’s like when you meet a blind person or a midget, and you feel immense pressure to not talk about the only thing you can think of and the only thing you want to talk about; if I ever met this dude, all I would want to talk about is his hair, and why it is so disgusting, and how it looks like he’s wearing a halo of used condoms, and if that's the image he wants to send to the world around him. I don’t think I could ever go camping with him.
